Hi Mum,
I realized today that I haven't written in this blog for awhile. After the last time I wrote I had a really rough few weeks. I had many meltdowns and shed many tears. I think what has happened since then has helped a little bit.
Court went to a medium a few weeks ago with some people from work. She said the woman said you were there immediately. We so badly needed to hear from you and I'm so glad (and hope it was you) that you came forward to talk to her. The stuff this woman knew made me truly believe you must have been there talking to her. I think it helped give us some closure on losing you. You told her that your mom was waiting for you and how happy you were to see her. I'm so glad you are with her again and sometimes I think how excited I will be to see you again (not to sound morbid because I have no intentions of leaving my girls for a very long time). Courtney said she told her that you had a baby with you. She said that is when she completely lost it because this woman knew that I had lost a baby in between the girls and that you were there taking care of him/her. She also said that thing that I think all of us needed to hear the most and that was about how confused dad is. The girls and I all voice our sadness and him and Brian keep it in so much. You did everything for those 2 even more so than us and I truly think they are lost. The girls and I have stepped up as much as we can but we aren't you. We are all trying to deal with your loss in our own way and be there for each other. I still wish and hope that I will wake up from this nightmare soon and see you again.
I miss you and love you!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Volleyball
Saturday was Brian's senior day with the volleyball team. They beat one of the best teams in the conference and Brian was so excited. I know you would have been so excited too. I've never seem him do pumped up. Kerri and Dad saw the first game and Courtney, Kennedy and I were there for the later game. They played Anna Maria and completely dominated winning 3 matches in a row. Before the game they introduced the seniors and the coach gave a speech about each one of the guys. He talked about how Brian tried out for basketball and was excited he didn't make it. He also said Brian had one more year of eligibility since he didn't play freshmen year and he was working in talking him into coming back. Dad just shook his head. After the background and speech they announced who was there to support Brian and I can't help but dwell on the fact that they said "his dad, Doug and sisters Erin, Courtney and Kerri." They should have said his mom, Linda. You were his biggest supporter and fan and you missed his whole season. After Brian they called the other seniors Mike and Ross and both of them had moms that were announced. It was heartbreaking. We went out to dinner with Mike's family after the game and I dropped off all the supplies I had bought for Brian's new apartment. People give me a hard time for doing so much for him but I need to. I need to take care of him.
I've been having a rough time since then. I keep thinking about you and how much I need you. I'm so lost and I feel like everything is crumbling around me. Another person I cared about and confided in is gone. I don't know how to fix it. You know that I can't stand not being able to fix things. I want everyone to be happy. I feel like everything is falling apart and no one understands. People have been telling me I need to see a therapist but I'm not ready. I don't want to admit to a stranger that I can't handle and manage my life. I just wish people would stop leaving me and realize I need them.
I've been having a rough time since then. I keep thinking about you and how much I need you. I'm so lost and I feel like everything is crumbling around me. Another person I cared about and confided in is gone. I don't know how to fix it. You know that I can't stand not being able to fix things. I want everyone to be happy. I feel like everything is falling apart and no one understands. People have been telling me I need to see a therapist but I'm not ready. I don't want to admit to a stranger that I can't handle and manage my life. I just wish people would stop leaving me and realize I need them.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Stop!
I can't believe it's been 5 months since we heard that you were going to die. I've had a tough time with it this week. I've been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of you but I know that will never happen. I've lost a lot of people in my life lately and it's because of you. One of my best friends told me I was making bad choices in my life and I wasn't making you proud. I don't know if you would be proud of the choices I'm making right now. I'm trying to be the best person I can be but I'm lost and feel like I'm treading water. It's hard to explain how I feel to people that have never lost a parent. You were my best friend and really my everything. We were so close and now I feel alone. Some days I want to run away and just be alone.
I've met some new people that have been really great at keeping me busy and taking me out. They are a lot of fun and we have been doing crafty projects (you know I love that), going out for each others birthdays and just going out for drinks. We've become really close and 2 of the girls work at the school so it's nice to have that tie. It's hard to talk to them about you because they don't know what it's like to have lost a parent. They do the best they can to understand but it's hard. I have met another friend that gets it because they lost their dad 7 years ago and they were really close. I've probably got some of the best advice from them. But then the other night you came up again. They told me that you wouldn't want me doing certain things. I completely lost it.
I've met some new people that have been really great at keeping me busy and taking me out. They are a lot of fun and we have been doing crafty projects (you know I love that), going out for each others birthdays and just going out for drinks. We've become really close and 2 of the girls work at the school so it's nice to have that tie. It's hard to talk to them about you because they don't know what it's like to have lost a parent. They do the best they can to understand but it's hard. I have met another friend that gets it because they lost their dad 7 years ago and they were really close. I've probably got some of the best advice from them. But then the other night you came up again. They told me that you wouldn't want me doing certain things. I completely lost it.
Monday, February 3, 2014
3 months
Today marks 3 months since you've passed away. I still have trouble saying that you've passed away. I haven't been able to talk about you much lately. Sometimes I feel like if I don't talk about it it won't be true. I look at pictures of you all the time and just can't even believe that you are gone. I just want to talk to you and see you again even if it's just once. It's not fair I didn't get to say goodbye and you were supposed to be okay.
I think that you've been sending signs lately. I feel like you've been judging me like crazy. Every time I'm in the car and doing something you wouldn't approve of the song Drink a Beer comes on the radio! I think of you every time that song comes on. It came on 3 times the other day within 1/2 hour and I only switched radio stations twice.
I love you and I can't believe it's been 3 months.
I think that you've been sending signs lately. I feel like you've been judging me like crazy. Every time I'm in the car and doing something you wouldn't approve of the song Drink a Beer comes on the radio! I think of you every time that song comes on. It came on 3 times the other day within 1/2 hour and I only switched radio stations twice.
I love you and I can't believe it's been 3 months.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Mad
I've thought and talked a lot about you and to you today. I talked to Courtney while I was at Kohl's and she said how she talked to Dad and he was doing laundry. It makes us both so sad that he'd doing laundry because you always did it. It's so hard to talk to him and see him. It breaks my heart to see him all the time without you and to know he's going out with your couple friends alone.
On my ride home tonight from dinner with Beth and Jamie I was thinking that I'm mad. I know deep down that I shouldn't be put I am pissed! You will never see my girls grow up, you missed the day I finished my Master's, you are going to miss my graduation, you won't see anymore of Ken's dance recitals and you are just missing everything. I have no one to complain to on the way home from work. You always just got it and no one does like you. You aren't here and I'm so angry that I've lost you. I at times get mad at you for leaving. You know how hard it was on you losing your mom so young and now you've left us. It's not right. I drive by your grave on the way to work some mornings and I just can't even believe that I'm saying this...my mom's grave. When people talk about your wake or your funeral I just go into another world. How could you leave us knowing how hard it was? I know deep down it wasn't you but at times I can't help but feel the anger.
I used to joke with you that if anything happened to you I'd go in the funny farm. Sadly enough I feel like I'm pretty freaking close. I had to be put on medication to deal with things because I can't on my own anymore. I am always sad. My face will probably be permanently stained with tears.
To top it off...lately when I think of you all I can picture is you laying in the hospital bed with half your head shaved, a tube in your mouth and drains. I miss you, your smile, your fake laugh, your GAP gray striped sweaters, GAP jeans and slippers that you always wore, I miss hearing you talk about "the baby", your complaints about dad, hearing you call Ken "my beauty" and talking to you everyday before and after school.
This is probably such a random post but it's late and I needed to vent since Jay is snoring in bed already.
On my ride home tonight from dinner with Beth and Jamie I was thinking that I'm mad. I know deep down that I shouldn't be put I am pissed! You will never see my girls grow up, you missed the day I finished my Master's, you are going to miss my graduation, you won't see anymore of Ken's dance recitals and you are just missing everything. I have no one to complain to on the way home from work. You always just got it and no one does like you. You aren't here and I'm so angry that I've lost you. I at times get mad at you for leaving. You know how hard it was on you losing your mom so young and now you've left us. It's not right. I drive by your grave on the way to work some mornings and I just can't even believe that I'm saying this...my mom's grave. When people talk about your wake or your funeral I just go into another world. How could you leave us knowing how hard it was? I know deep down it wasn't you but at times I can't help but feel the anger.
I used to joke with you that if anything happened to you I'd go in the funny farm. Sadly enough I feel like I'm pretty freaking close. I had to be put on medication to deal with things because I can't on my own anymore. I am always sad. My face will probably be permanently stained with tears.
To top it off...lately when I think of you all I can picture is you laying in the hospital bed with half your head shaved, a tube in your mouth and drains. I miss you, your smile, your fake laugh, your GAP gray striped sweaters, GAP jeans and slippers that you always wore, I miss hearing you talk about "the baby", your complaints about dad, hearing you call Ken "my beauty" and talking to you everyday before and after school.
This is probably such a random post but it's late and I needed to vent since Jay is snoring in bed already.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A rough week
I haven't been able to update this blog lately because it makes everything real again. I try so hard to pretend like you are still here and that you were not taken from us.
The past week has been so hard for me. I felt very anxious, sad and I wasn't able to control my feelings as well as I had done before. I need you so much. There have been so many little things that have happened that I want to call and tell you. Escape to Fitness is now a Zumba place, Jay had to put Kylie to sleep this morning, Kennedy told Emme to "text her" (it was hysterical), Kennedy told her preschool class that her and I are "hot divas", the heat in my car wasn't working right, it was so cold, I ordered a cute blazer from Old Navy and the Good Wife finally has new episodes (it's been awhile).
Kerri and I got a tattoo of your handwriting on our wrists. We used a card you had written. I know you would hate that we put your terrible handwriting on our bodies but you actually did a nice job writing this one. It looks perfect and reminds me of you every time I look at it. Even people that hate tattoos have admired it. You just mean so much to us and we are trying so hard to stay close to you and keep your memory alive.
I've decided that I need to go see my doctor about help with anxiety and controlling my emotions. I thought I was doing really good then on Thursday at a meeting we were told that a senior at Apponequet died in a car accident. I completely lost it and had to leave the room. The word accident shakes me up and all I can remember is hearing you and Dad had been in accident, I dropped to the floor in my bedroom and just cried that I couldn't loose you. Then I remember being called into the conference room at the hospital and hearing, "She is going to die from this."
I forgot about this....which is probably what kicked off my emotion-filled week...on Sunday morning we all went to breakfast at the Hideaway. Elaina was working and came over to the table and said we were missing 2. We thought she meant Brian and Caydence and then she asked, "where's mom?" We all looked at each other as the tears started filling up and Courtney told her, "she passed away." Elaina started crying and apologizing. I knew this would happen at some point but I wasn't ready for it.
We went to New Hampshire for Christmas so that we could all be together on Christmas morning. We enjoyed each others company and the girls were all so excited about Santa. We had 10 stockings to open and of course a ton of presents. Kerri gave Courtney and I an Alex and Ani bracelet with your birthstone. I wear it all the time along with the Daughter one you gave all of us last Christmas. I think we all did a good job at controlling our emotions and enjoying the day with the girls. It wasn't the same without you though. I miss hearing your voice and I know you would have been so happy to see Kennedy, Raegan and Cayd sprinkle reindeer food that Girlie had brought to NH for them. You would have loved the Doc McStuffins check up center that Santa brought Kennedy. Kennedy would have loved for you to be a patient, we all were.
Kerri went to the hospital on Christmas night because she was having stomach pain that lasted all day and the night before. We were all nervous that it could be appendicitis because nothing was helping ease her pain. When her and Courtney left for the hospital Kennedy got very upset. I didn't think about it right away but the last person she knew that went to the hospital never came home. When you were first in the accident I just told her you were in the hospital and sleeping so you could get better. She asked about you and Florida all the time. She wanted to go to "Nana's Florida" to see you. Then the next thing I had to tell her was that you went to heaven. She has a hard time with hospital talk now and I'm sure she will for awhile.
I know this is all over the place but as things pop in my head I just write them down. I guess that's why I started this.
I love you Mum! More than you will ever know. I wish like Kennedy that we could take an airplane above the clouds and see you in heaven. She hopes you can walk and have a nice house in heaven with a roof. I hope you get the tennis channels!
The past week has been so hard for me. I felt very anxious, sad and I wasn't able to control my feelings as well as I had done before. I need you so much. There have been so many little things that have happened that I want to call and tell you. Escape to Fitness is now a Zumba place, Jay had to put Kylie to sleep this morning, Kennedy told Emme to "text her" (it was hysterical), Kennedy told her preschool class that her and I are "hot divas", the heat in my car wasn't working right, it was so cold, I ordered a cute blazer from Old Navy and the Good Wife finally has new episodes (it's been awhile).
Kerri and I got a tattoo of your handwriting on our wrists. We used a card you had written. I know you would hate that we put your terrible handwriting on our bodies but you actually did a nice job writing this one. It looks perfect and reminds me of you every time I look at it. Even people that hate tattoos have admired it. You just mean so much to us and we are trying so hard to stay close to you and keep your memory alive.
I've decided that I need to go see my doctor about help with anxiety and controlling my emotions. I thought I was doing really good then on Thursday at a meeting we were told that a senior at Apponequet died in a car accident. I completely lost it and had to leave the room. The word accident shakes me up and all I can remember is hearing you and Dad had been in accident, I dropped to the floor in my bedroom and just cried that I couldn't loose you. Then I remember being called into the conference room at the hospital and hearing, "She is going to die from this."
I forgot about this....which is probably what kicked off my emotion-filled week...on Sunday morning we all went to breakfast at the Hideaway. Elaina was working and came over to the table and said we were missing 2. We thought she meant Brian and Caydence and then she asked, "where's mom?" We all looked at each other as the tears started filling up and Courtney told her, "she passed away." Elaina started crying and apologizing. I knew this would happen at some point but I wasn't ready for it.
We went to New Hampshire for Christmas so that we could all be together on Christmas morning. We enjoyed each others company and the girls were all so excited about Santa. We had 10 stockings to open and of course a ton of presents. Kerri gave Courtney and I an Alex and Ani bracelet with your birthstone. I wear it all the time along with the Daughter one you gave all of us last Christmas. I think we all did a good job at controlling our emotions and enjoying the day with the girls. It wasn't the same without you though. I miss hearing your voice and I know you would have been so happy to see Kennedy, Raegan and Cayd sprinkle reindeer food that Girlie had brought to NH for them. You would have loved the Doc McStuffins check up center that Santa brought Kennedy. Kennedy would have loved for you to be a patient, we all were.
Kerri went to the hospital on Christmas night because she was having stomach pain that lasted all day and the night before. We were all nervous that it could be appendicitis because nothing was helping ease her pain. When her and Courtney left for the hospital Kennedy got very upset. I didn't think about it right away but the last person she knew that went to the hospital never came home. When you were first in the accident I just told her you were in the hospital and sleeping so you could get better. She asked about you and Florida all the time. She wanted to go to "Nana's Florida" to see you. Then the next thing I had to tell her was that you went to heaven. She has a hard time with hospital talk now and I'm sure she will for awhile.
I know this is all over the place but as things pop in my head I just write them down. I guess that's why I started this.
I love you Mum! More than you will ever know. I wish like Kennedy that we could take an airplane above the clouds and see you in heaven. She hopes you can walk and have a nice house in heaven with a roof. I hope you get the tennis channels!
Monday, December 16, 2013
Rough day
I knew this week wouldn't be easy. It never is! Trying to teach and manage 22 5/6 year olds the week before Christmas is a nightmare. This morning I was supposed to have an EST meeting but I thought it was cancelled. It wasn't!! So I missed it then ran into the principal and literacy coach in the hallway. I told them I couldn't believe meetings would be scheduled the week before Christmas. The principal was snippy and said her mother in laws school only allows them to do something Christmas related for the last 30 minutes on Friday. I wasn't complaining because I had Christmas stuff planned!! I was complaining because I teach Kindergarten and the week before Christmas is very important with keeping their schedules routine and if I'm out of the room I can't do that! Then the topic of curriculum leader came up again. Jamie and I were finally told that we were sharing the job. You know I've been trying to get an answer about this since June. Well last week they tell us and now we have 2 meetings this week and the meeting with Dunning (the assistant superintendent) got cancelled last week. I about nearly had a breakdown when people were telling me all the "added" duties. Jamie and I were never told about these so I decided I can't do it. I have been trying so hard to keep life the way it was before you left but I can't do it anymore. You aren't here and my life is different!
I threw myself back into work 110% because I thought I just needed to stay busy but I'm becoming overwhelmed! I'm not doing anymore than I used to but my heart hurts and being happy and busy all the time is draining! I cried the whole way home from school today because I wanted to call you and complain about school. You always understood or would just listen and say the right things. I talked to Jay but he doesn't get it. I tried calling Kerri but she didn't answer. So I ended up calling a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. He was super supportive and said all the right things (or at least what I wanted to hear...that the people at school sucked basically). It was just like what you would have said. I don't realize at times how much I miss you until I want to call you and complain or tell you the stupid little things that are going on in my life.
Raegan woke up this morning and instead of calling for me she was calling for Dad. She kept saying, "Bapa, Hi Bapa, Bapa!" It was so cute. I think both her and Ken know how much Dad needs them. Kennedy asked him to pick her up from school someday and take her to the zoo. She wants to go to the zoo with him so bad. Hopefully she loves going to Disney with him. I know he will.
I know people keep telling me and all of us that you are here and that you are an angel that is always with us. Or they say we have so much to remember you by but damn it I don't want to remember you or think of you as an angel!! I want you back here with me and I want to see Mum flash on my phone with a text or a phone call. I want you to call me Erron and Bert. I want to tell you how pissed off I am with the lack of direction at school and how my kids in class are acting like punks. I want to stare at your gray hairs and you tell me you have an appointment with Katy soon. Geez...I even miss giving you pedicures. The last time I painted your toes is when you were in a coma in the hospital. I wanted to make sure you woke up with them painted. I never thought that would be the last time. I miss all the foolish things that we used to do and I miss my best friend.
I threw myself back into work 110% because I thought I just needed to stay busy but I'm becoming overwhelmed! I'm not doing anymore than I used to but my heart hurts and being happy and busy all the time is draining! I cried the whole way home from school today because I wanted to call you and complain about school. You always understood or would just listen and say the right things. I talked to Jay but he doesn't get it. I tried calling Kerri but she didn't answer. So I ended up calling a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. He was super supportive and said all the right things (or at least what I wanted to hear...that the people at school sucked basically). It was just like what you would have said. I don't realize at times how much I miss you until I want to call you and complain or tell you the stupid little things that are going on in my life.
Raegan woke up this morning and instead of calling for me she was calling for Dad. She kept saying, "Bapa, Hi Bapa, Bapa!" It was so cute. I think both her and Ken know how much Dad needs them. Kennedy asked him to pick her up from school someday and take her to the zoo. She wants to go to the zoo with him so bad. Hopefully she loves going to Disney with him. I know he will.
I know people keep telling me and all of us that you are here and that you are an angel that is always with us. Or they say we have so much to remember you by but damn it I don't want to remember you or think of you as an angel!! I want you back here with me and I want to see Mum flash on my phone with a text or a phone call. I want you to call me Erron and Bert. I want to tell you how pissed off I am with the lack of direction at school and how my kids in class are acting like punks. I want to stare at your gray hairs and you tell me you have an appointment with Katy soon. Geez...I even miss giving you pedicures. The last time I painted your toes is when you were in a coma in the hospital. I wanted to make sure you woke up with them painted. I never thought that would be the last time. I miss all the foolish things that we used to do and I miss my best friend.
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