It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog.  I've been living in complete denial about you being gone.  I don't want to believe it and I want to talk about you as if you are still here.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you or think about you but pretending like you are still here is the easiest thing.  Sometimes I feel bad for not crying but it's just because I've grown numb.  I finished all my Master's school work and met with Laurie, the head of the Early Ed program through Jenmarc on Tuesday.  She gave me a big hug and could tell I had been crying the entire way there.  I'm not ready for good things to happen to me without you there.  I want you to be proud of me and be happy for me that I finished.  I want to hear you say that and I never will.  I didn't even realize until today that I didn't tell dad.  He's not you and I need to tell you.   You would have told him...I'm not used to telling him things yet.  I know I will eventually.
Yesterday was Ken's birthday and it was so hard to not be with you.  I kept it together all day.  We went out to lunch with your friends and they got Kennedy an Elsa doll and outfit.  She was so excited!  At night I took her to see High School Musical at Middleboro High School with Amie and Emily.  It was fun but I couldn't help think about you.  You should have done that with us.
Today was her birthday party at Boomer's.  She had so much fun and loved all the presents.  I found the Dora and Boots thing she wanted from you.   Dad gave it to her because, "Nana is is heaven."  We got her a Sofia bike and she's been riding it around the house all night.  Dad just stopped by with Brian to see Ken because Brian had practice so he missed the party.  Kennedy was playing with all her toys and was crazy and nonstop talking and playing with things.  You know how she gets when she is overtired.
I just recently got in the mail more of the wish lanterns and Kennedy is so excited to send them to you.  Mum, I just need you and I really feel like I am not myself anymore without you.  I put all my energy and time into doing things for other people to make them happy because I'm not.  I just realized I was doing that the other day.  I made people 12 days of Christmas gifts, I go over the top with the things Girlie does and I went crazy with the things for Kennedy's party.  I hope that the people I do it for can be happy and that in turn will help me be happy.  It's not working yet...but maybe it will.  I miss you so much!

It's been 1 month

It's so crazy to think that one month around this time was the last time I saw you in person.  It was around 10:30pm that we were told you were going to die.  I will never for as long I live forget those words that broke my heart and changed my life forever. 
Today started off not much different than any other.  Girlie was hiding in the bathroom sink in a bubble bath out of mini marshmallows.  Kennedy was so excited to find her.  It took her a few minutes while she was brushing her teeth to notice her in the right hand sink. 
I had parent/teacher conferences.  You know that's my least favorite day of the school year.  I don't like talking to parents and for most of them it's just a run down of the kids academics.  The 2 boys that I have behavior issues with the parents didn't want to hear about it.  One of the dads laughed and told me his kid was a hellion!  Um....no kidding!  A lot of the parents told me they were sorry for my loss.  I just said thank you but I wanted to start balling.  I know I saw this in every message but I just miss you.  I drive home from school everyday and I don't have anyone to talk to.  You would listen to me complain about school, the kids, Jay, my girls or basically anything.  I lost my best friend and sometimes I find myself talking to you in my head.  I hope you can hear me.
I didn't get out of school until 7:40pm and then I went to Judy's for the Christmas Klub party.  My secret pal was Stephanie and she gave me some owl school things, a scarf and an owl ornament.  The kids at school with love it.  I reminded Courtney on Sunday about Klub but she forgot.  She says she must have dementia...haha!  Aunt Betty and I were talking about her helping Dad out with office stuff and then she was talking about how Uncle Bob cleaned out all of Aunt Lisa's things.  I said dad wasn't ready for that yet.  I don't want dad to have a shrine for you but I just can't imagine getting rid of your things.  I want to leave it all there in hopes you will come back.  I started crying and Aunt Betty felt bad.  She always feels bad when I cry but I just miss you so much that sometimes all I can do is cry.  I miss my life with you.  I honestly don't know who I am or what I'm doing sometimes without you.  I don't know how I get through my day.  I must just go through the motions.  Some people don't understand when I say that to them but there are days I get to the afternoon and don't even remember the morning. 
It's funny that as I write this it turns 11:11.  Maureen Hancock said something about 11:11.  I always remember 11:11 was time to make a wish.  I used to wish for you to get better and now I wonder what I should wish for.  I know I won't get the one with I want and that's for you to come back.  So sometimes I wish for people I miss to come back in my life, other times I wish to be happy again, and sometimes I can't even think of something I want more than you.  I remember when you were in the hospital and we were all at the camper and it turned 11:11 and Courtney yelled to make a wish.  I knew we all wished for you.  It makes me sad that all our prayers and wishes didn't come true.  We tried really hard.

Thanksgiving, Black Friday and the Christmas Parade

We went to Aunt Betty's for Thanksgiving like usual.  She bought a cute tablecloth for Ken.  You could color, do word searches and mazes.  Kerri and I of course enjoyed coloring and completing the word search. Before dinner Aunt Betty asked us to take a moment of silence for the people we have lost. Mum your name shouldn't have been on that list.  She felt bad for making us tear up but it was nice to acknowledge you even though you weren't there.  After dinner we sat around talking and we were talking about Lisa and then you.  Aunt Betty has said it before but she she said again how she knows you wouldn't have wanted to live if you weren't 100%.  I know you wouldn't have wanted us to take care of you like you probably would've needed but I hope you know I would have done anything to take care of you if it meant having you here.  Ken slept over your house with Kerri after dinner and she asked Dad about the bike tipping over.  Kerri said his face just dropped.  She must have heard a tid bit of a conversation.  She misses you so much.  Raegan has stopped saying your name and it breaks my heart.

On Friday, Kerri and I took Ken to the South Shore plaza.  I was the big spender like usual!  I had Kerri take Ken for a little bit so I could go crazy at the Disney store.  Ken will be a happy girl on Christmas.  I also got my 5 favorite things for my party this year.  I got 5 Vera Bradley lanyards.  The were on sale for $6!  I was so excited! 

That night Ken and I had dinner at Friendly's and then I took her to the Galleria to see Frozen.  She loved going to the "theater".  I wish you had come with us and could have shared her excitement with us.  She loved the music and the ice queen Elsa.  She tells me my favorite is Anna.  I downloaded the songs and we listen to them all the time in the car.

Saturday was the Voch craft fair.  We saw Alyssa and Kendra.  They make really cute burlap door hangings.  Kerri and Court bought one.  I decided I had enough decorations. Crazy! I know.  Kendra and Alyssa both look at us so sad.  They are so close to their mom like we were to you so I think it truly hurts them to see us and know our pain.  I then met up with Jay and Raeg for the Christmas parade.  We met the Bests there, Germaine, Mimi and the Pequitas.  The girls really liked it.  I kept thinking about the picture we took last year.  The one of all of us girls.  We should have been able to take that again.

I called Brian Saturday night about spending more time with Dad.  dad wants to see him and Brian has been making no time for him.  He hung up on me first then only gave me about 2 minutes on the phone.  I know he's probably hurting so much but I feel bad because Dad just wants to spend time with him and see him.  I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep everyone together.  I don't know what my role is.  I'm not there to help Dad as much as Courtney and Kerri are so I just feel so alone and left out.  Some people have been treating me different since you've been gone and I don't know how to fix it.  I want the friends back that I could talk to about stupid things without having to get in too deep.  I don't want people to look at me differently and treat me differently.  I miss you so much but I need some normalcy back.  

Build a Bear

Today I took Kennedy to the Braintree mall to go to Build a Bear.  She first asked to go to heaven to see you but when I told her we couldn't go there she settled for Build a Bear.  Kennedy and I ended up going alone because no one wanted to come with us.  I was sad on the way ere because its something we would have done together.  I know you would have come with us and we would have gone to Joe's for clam chowder in a bread bowl and a Caesar salad.  I shouldn't have to be taking Kennedy places by myself.  You should have come with us!  Kennedy made a pony and a princess bear for Raegan.  She wanted ice cream for lunch so we went to Emack and Bolies.  As we sat down for her to eat her pink ice cream with rainbow sprinkles I felt so lonely.  Even though I had Kennedy with me I wanted you there too.  We went to the Disney store after and she wanted to get a Mrs. Potts and Chip tea party set.  You would love it...it's so cute and I know you love Beauty and the Beast.  I think I'll get it for her for Christmas.  I know you would have picked out a new Disney doll for her since 2 years ago you got her Belle and last year Pocahontas.  The Ariel one is adorable...you would think so too and Dad bought Raegan The Little Mermaid for her birthday (I know you were planning on getting it for Ken for Christmas).
I hate Christmas shopping without you and planning Ken's birthday party without your input.  She wants a Sofia party and we are having it at Boomers in Carver.  I'm nervous to cry when I see the card from dad that just says "love Bapa".  I held it together at Raegan's party but I wanted to run in my room and hide.  I feel like I don't know what to do without you.  Sometimes I just feel lost.
Tomorrow we are going to Aunt Betty's just like we have been.  Aunt Betty got Dad more Chapstick. Thank goodness! We know he can't go without it!  She said she got a table cloth that Kennedy can color on and is bringing out some games to liven us up! Haha....I guess she doesn't want Dad and Uncle Barney falling asleep.  A lot of people came in my room today and gave me a hug and told me they know tomorrow with be hard.  I don't think people get it!  Tomorrow is just like every other day has been for the past month.  We will be without out.  We were together all the time so holidays were not really a big deal (as far as getting together goes).  You are missing the Christmas parade. :( I wish I could say we will get to do all this with you next year but I know last year were the last holidays we will ever spend together.  You should be out with dad tonight and wearing your purple and white North Face with some jeans and a striped Gap shirt complaining about the crappy weather.

I don't think about heaven

I wasn't going to write a note to you today because other than 2 of my boys driving me nuts in school today not much new has happened.  I still think about you all the time and want to call you and text you just like I always did.  Someone told me today they think about me and our family all the time.  She said she feels guilty for still having her mother around who is 89.  I told her not to feel guilty but that I do get a little annoyed when I hear people complain about things their moms do.   I would do anything to have you around to complain about!
I just got done cuddling with Kennedy in bed.  She told me she misses you.  I started crying and told her I miss you too.  She grabbed my head and started patting my back.  She is the strongest and most supportive little girl.  She sits there and holds me while I cry and will only say, "she is okay".  Last night at dinner I told her we could go wherever she wants after school on Wednesday and her response was "heaven".  I wish I could take her there to see you.  We all miss you so much.  I told her tonight that if she sees you in her dreams to tell you that I love you.  She said she will but she doesn't like to think about heaven.  She just likes to think of you alive and then she said she wants to see you alive again.  It's not fair that at 3 years old she has to deal with the loss of you.  She wants to know how God gets so high in the sky.  I told her he is really powerful.  She asked if heaven is in the clouds or higher than the clouds.  I told her it's higher.  She wants to take an airplane to go visit you in heaven because "trucks can't go that high." 
I just got a message from Aunt Sandy that Jeff Conway wrote...

 

 

To My #2 Mom... . November 26, 2013 at 3:44pm
I won't use any names in this but, people who care will know who I'm refering to...
Back in the day I was a complete screwup, I know, you all find that hard to believe but, it's sadly true. I had 2 friends that happened to be husband & wife. I can't remember not knowing her, she grew up right up the street from my cousins house which I used to spend quite a bit of time at. She hung out with some of my older, girl cousins.
Him, he was & is a half assed relative, had the best trucks around, awesome motor machinest & all around great guy. Boy could we drink beer!
Well, they got together & got married. They started their life together as I continued my slow, downward spiral. He & I were co-workers, friends, hustled any type of work we could come up with on the side. I was mechaical but, he fine tuned my mechanical skills. She was always there, not always happy with our beer drinking but, she was always there.
They started a family, 3 girls & 1 boy (finally!). During that time I lived in a room in their cellar because I was such a screwup & I had no where else to go. My own family had given up on me... He & She never gave up on me. I held everyone of their children, played with them, shared meals with that family... After their son was born, I disappeared from their lives. I picked up what little I had & left. They never asked me to leave. I just felt it was the right thing to do. Hell, they had a young family & I was their 20 somthing year old kid!
Fast forward 25 years... when I had a chance to talk with him, we always said that we needed to get together, let our wives meet, have some good eats, blah, blah, blah... We never had the chance to do that. She was tragically,unexpectedly, taken from us a short time ago.
If you have a chance to tell others how much they have truely ment in your life, do not hesitate to do so! I always thought that we'd get together some day. That day will never come now. This is somthing that I WILL regret for the rest of my days...
I'll miss you & love you forever Mom #2. I'll be here for you or yours Dad #2... You know who you are...

 

Mum you meant so much to so many people and we all miss you so much!

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Mum!  I wish more than anything I could be saying this to your face.  I stopped at the cemetery on my way home.  I felt like I needed to.  When I pulled in I noticed that Courtney was already there.  I scared the crap out of her when I tapped on her window.  Dad ended up meeting us there too and we just stood at your grave and cried.  I never imagined that I'd have to go to a cemetery to say Happy Birthday to you.  Dad just hugged Courtney and I.  We finally left because it was freezing!  You would have hated the weather today.  You wouldn't have been able to take the dogs for a walk and you would have had the pellet stove blasting heat. 
We all met up for dinner at Zen in Wareham.  I know it's expensive but that's where Dad wanted to go.  Brian didn't come but we were all there with the girls.  Cayd was screaming and entertaining everyone at the restaurant like usual.  We all came back to my house after and set off paper wish lanterns.  Kennedy asked why we were doing it and I told her so you could get them in heaven.  She wants to make sure you get them and that they don't burn you.  I told her you will blow them out when you get them. 
Mum you should have been able to tell us that you wanted to do anything as long as you didn't have to cook and clean.  We shouldn't have had to send lanterns to heaven.  I still can't make sense of all this and I want you back so much.  On days I'm thinking doing so good I have break downs over silly things.
Last night Kennedy wanted to read, "Cowboy Mikey".  It was mine when I was little and when I saw my name written on the front cover I lost it.  I know you read that book to me and I would give anything to hear you read it again.  My girls shouldn't have to grow up without you.  I hope you are enjoying your birthday with your Mom and Dad but I really wish you were here with us. 
I love you!

Craft Fair

Mom...today was the Mother's Club craft fair at Middleboro High School.  Courtney had text me this week asking about going.  At first I didn't know if I wanted to go without you but I'm trying really hard to keep doing things we enjoyed.  Court and Cayd met us at dance and we went there together.  On the way in Courtney told me Dad had a hard time yesterday.  He went for a drink with John (boyfriend) and when she called him to ask him over for dinner he seemed sad.  When he got to her house he sat in his truck and cried.  He kept saying he didn't want to be alone and he was sorry.  It's so hard to see him like that and know how sad he is.  We all miss you so much and it's so hard.  People ask us all the time how we are doing and sometimes all I say is, "It sucks".  People say they can't imagine what we are going through and I don't think they can if they have never lost their mom. 
But....back to the craft fair.  Kennedy got so much stuff!  They had a ton of bows and headbands like usual.  One of the vendors had an Izzy, Sofia the First, Monster's Inc and Minnie bows.  So of course she was in heaven and had to get all of them.  She also got a Hello Kitty clip, one that is shaped like a puppy, Minnie and a picture of a horse (it was $20 but she was so excited and you weren't there so I just said screw it and bought it for her).  We were in and out of there in like 20 minutes.  Without you talking to everyone that you knew it was a quick trip.  The lady that makes all the wood things we like was there.  Her husband wasn't though!!  Bummer right?!?  Courtney bought something from her but I decided to refrain since I already have so much stuff from her.  It was so strange going without you.  It still doesn't seem like it's reality yet.
I look at your pictures and just long to see you again.  I miss your smile, your fake laugh, and you calling me Erron.