I've thought and talked a lot about you and to you today. I talked to Courtney while I was at Kohl's and she said how she talked to Dad and he was doing laundry. It makes us both so sad that he'd doing laundry because you always did it. It's so hard to talk to him and see him. It breaks my heart to see him all the time without you and to know he's going out with your couple friends alone.
On my ride home tonight from dinner with Beth and Jamie I was thinking that I'm mad. I know deep down that I shouldn't be put I am pissed! You will never see my girls grow up, you missed the day I finished my Master's, you are going to miss my graduation, you won't see anymore of Ken's dance recitals and you are just missing everything. I have no one to complain to on the way home from work. You always just got it and no one does like you. You aren't here and I'm so angry that I've lost you. I at times get mad at you for leaving. You know how hard it was on you losing your mom so young and now you've left us. It's not right. I drive by your grave on the way to work some mornings and I just can't even believe that I'm saying this...my mom's grave. When people talk about your wake or your funeral I just go into another world. How could you leave us knowing how hard it was? I know deep down it wasn't you but at times I can't help but feel the anger.
I used to joke with you that if anything happened to you I'd go in the funny farm. Sadly enough I feel like I'm pretty freaking close. I had to be put on medication to deal with things because I can't on my own anymore. I am always sad. My face will probably be permanently stained with tears.
To top it off...lately when I think of you all I can picture is you laying in the hospital bed with half your head shaved, a tube in your mouth and drains. I miss you, your smile, your fake laugh, your GAP gray striped sweaters, GAP jeans and slippers that you always wore, I miss hearing you talk about "the baby", your complaints about dad, hearing you call Ken "my beauty" and talking to you everyday before and after school.
This is probably such a random post but it's late and I needed to vent since Jay is snoring in bed already.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A rough week
I haven't been able to update this blog lately because it makes everything real again. I try so hard to pretend like you are still here and that you were not taken from us.
The past week has been so hard for me. I felt very anxious, sad and I wasn't able to control my feelings as well as I had done before. I need you so much. There have been so many little things that have happened that I want to call and tell you. Escape to Fitness is now a Zumba place, Jay had to put Kylie to sleep this morning, Kennedy told Emme to "text her" (it was hysterical), Kennedy told her preschool class that her and I are "hot divas", the heat in my car wasn't working right, it was so cold, I ordered a cute blazer from Old Navy and the Good Wife finally has new episodes (it's been awhile).
Kerri and I got a tattoo of your handwriting on our wrists. We used a card you had written. I know you would hate that we put your terrible handwriting on our bodies but you actually did a nice job writing this one. It looks perfect and reminds me of you every time I look at it. Even people that hate tattoos have admired it. You just mean so much to us and we are trying so hard to stay close to you and keep your memory alive.
I've decided that I need to go see my doctor about help with anxiety and controlling my emotions. I thought I was doing really good then on Thursday at a meeting we were told that a senior at Apponequet died in a car accident. I completely lost it and had to leave the room. The word accident shakes me up and all I can remember is hearing you and Dad had been in accident, I dropped to the floor in my bedroom and just cried that I couldn't loose you. Then I remember being called into the conference room at the hospital and hearing, "She is going to die from this."
I forgot about this....which is probably what kicked off my emotion-filled week...on Sunday morning we all went to breakfast at the Hideaway. Elaina was working and came over to the table and said we were missing 2. We thought she meant Brian and Caydence and then she asked, "where's mom?" We all looked at each other as the tears started filling up and Courtney told her, "she passed away." Elaina started crying and apologizing. I knew this would happen at some point but I wasn't ready for it.
We went to New Hampshire for Christmas so that we could all be together on Christmas morning. We enjoyed each others company and the girls were all so excited about Santa. We had 10 stockings to open and of course a ton of presents. Kerri gave Courtney and I an Alex and Ani bracelet with your birthstone. I wear it all the time along with the Daughter one you gave all of us last Christmas. I think we all did a good job at controlling our emotions and enjoying the day with the girls. It wasn't the same without you though. I miss hearing your voice and I know you would have been so happy to see Kennedy, Raegan and Cayd sprinkle reindeer food that Girlie had brought to NH for them. You would have loved the Doc McStuffins check up center that Santa brought Kennedy. Kennedy would have loved for you to be a patient, we all were.
Kerri went to the hospital on Christmas night because she was having stomach pain that lasted all day and the night before. We were all nervous that it could be appendicitis because nothing was helping ease her pain. When her and Courtney left for the hospital Kennedy got very upset. I didn't think about it right away but the last person she knew that went to the hospital never came home. When you were first in the accident I just told her you were in the hospital and sleeping so you could get better. She asked about you and Florida all the time. She wanted to go to "Nana's Florida" to see you. Then the next thing I had to tell her was that you went to heaven. She has a hard time with hospital talk now and I'm sure she will for awhile.
I know this is all over the place but as things pop in my head I just write them down. I guess that's why I started this.
I love you Mum! More than you will ever know. I wish like Kennedy that we could take an airplane above the clouds and see you in heaven. She hopes you can walk and have a nice house in heaven with a roof. I hope you get the tennis channels!
The past week has been so hard for me. I felt very anxious, sad and I wasn't able to control my feelings as well as I had done before. I need you so much. There have been so many little things that have happened that I want to call and tell you. Escape to Fitness is now a Zumba place, Jay had to put Kylie to sleep this morning, Kennedy told Emme to "text her" (it was hysterical), Kennedy told her preschool class that her and I are "hot divas", the heat in my car wasn't working right, it was so cold, I ordered a cute blazer from Old Navy and the Good Wife finally has new episodes (it's been awhile).
Kerri and I got a tattoo of your handwriting on our wrists. We used a card you had written. I know you would hate that we put your terrible handwriting on our bodies but you actually did a nice job writing this one. It looks perfect and reminds me of you every time I look at it. Even people that hate tattoos have admired it. You just mean so much to us and we are trying so hard to stay close to you and keep your memory alive.
I've decided that I need to go see my doctor about help with anxiety and controlling my emotions. I thought I was doing really good then on Thursday at a meeting we were told that a senior at Apponequet died in a car accident. I completely lost it and had to leave the room. The word accident shakes me up and all I can remember is hearing you and Dad had been in accident, I dropped to the floor in my bedroom and just cried that I couldn't loose you. Then I remember being called into the conference room at the hospital and hearing, "She is going to die from this."
I forgot about this....which is probably what kicked off my emotion-filled week...on Sunday morning we all went to breakfast at the Hideaway. Elaina was working and came over to the table and said we were missing 2. We thought she meant Brian and Caydence and then she asked, "where's mom?" We all looked at each other as the tears started filling up and Courtney told her, "she passed away." Elaina started crying and apologizing. I knew this would happen at some point but I wasn't ready for it.
We went to New Hampshire for Christmas so that we could all be together on Christmas morning. We enjoyed each others company and the girls were all so excited about Santa. We had 10 stockings to open and of course a ton of presents. Kerri gave Courtney and I an Alex and Ani bracelet with your birthstone. I wear it all the time along with the Daughter one you gave all of us last Christmas. I think we all did a good job at controlling our emotions and enjoying the day with the girls. It wasn't the same without you though. I miss hearing your voice and I know you would have been so happy to see Kennedy, Raegan and Cayd sprinkle reindeer food that Girlie had brought to NH for them. You would have loved the Doc McStuffins check up center that Santa brought Kennedy. Kennedy would have loved for you to be a patient, we all were.
Kerri went to the hospital on Christmas night because she was having stomach pain that lasted all day and the night before. We were all nervous that it could be appendicitis because nothing was helping ease her pain. When her and Courtney left for the hospital Kennedy got very upset. I didn't think about it right away but the last person she knew that went to the hospital never came home. When you were first in the accident I just told her you were in the hospital and sleeping so you could get better. She asked about you and Florida all the time. She wanted to go to "Nana's Florida" to see you. Then the next thing I had to tell her was that you went to heaven. She has a hard time with hospital talk now and I'm sure she will for awhile.
I know this is all over the place but as things pop in my head I just write them down. I guess that's why I started this.
I love you Mum! More than you will ever know. I wish like Kennedy that we could take an airplane above the clouds and see you in heaven. She hopes you can walk and have a nice house in heaven with a roof. I hope you get the tennis channels!
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