A rough week

I haven't been able to update this blog lately because it makes everything real again.  I try so hard to pretend like you are still here and that you were not taken from us.
The past week has been so hard for me.  I felt very anxious, sad and I wasn't able to control my feelings as well as I had done before.  I need you so much.  There have been so many little things that have happened that I want to call and tell you.  Escape to Fitness is now a Zumba place, Jay had to put Kylie to sleep this morning, Kennedy told Emme to "text her" (it was hysterical), Kennedy told her preschool class that her and I are "hot divas", the heat in my car wasn't working right, it was so cold, I ordered a cute blazer from Old Navy and the Good Wife finally has new episodes (it's been awhile).
Kerri and I got a tattoo of your handwriting on our wrists.  We used a card you had written.  I know you would hate that we put your terrible handwriting on our bodies but you actually did a nice job writing this one.  It looks perfect and reminds me of you every time I look at it.  Even people that hate tattoos have admired it.  You just mean so much to us and we are trying so hard to stay close to you and keep your memory alive.
I've decided that I need to go see my doctor about help with anxiety and controlling my emotions.  I thought I was doing really good then on Thursday at a meeting we were told that a senior at Apponequet died in a car accident.  I completely lost it and had to leave the room.  The word accident shakes me up and all I can remember is hearing you and Dad had been in accident, I dropped to the floor in my bedroom and just cried that I couldn't loose you.  Then I remember being called into the conference room at the hospital and hearing, "She is going to die from this."
I forgot about this....which is probably what kicked off my emotion-filled week...on Sunday morning we all went to breakfast at the Hideaway.  Elaina was working and came over to the table and said we were missing 2.  We thought she meant Brian and Caydence and then she asked, "where's mom?"  We all looked at each other as the tears started filling up and Courtney told her, "she passed away."  Elaina started crying and apologizing.  I knew this would happen at some point but I wasn't ready for it.
We went to New Hampshire for Christmas so that we could all be together on Christmas morning.  We enjoyed each others company and the girls were all so excited about Santa.  We had 10 stockings to open and of course a ton of presents.  Kerri gave Courtney and I an Alex and Ani bracelet with your birthstone.  I wear it all the time along with the Daughter one you gave all of us last Christmas.  I think we all did a good job at controlling our emotions and enjoying the day with the girls.  It wasn't the same without you though.  I miss hearing your voice and I know you would have been so happy to see Kennedy, Raegan and Cayd sprinkle reindeer food that Girlie had brought to NH for them.  You would have loved the Doc McStuffins check up center that Santa brought Kennedy.  Kennedy would have loved for you to be a patient, we all were.
Kerri went to the hospital on Christmas night because she was having stomach pain that lasted all day and the night before.  We were all nervous that it could be appendicitis because nothing was helping ease her pain.  When her and Courtney left for the hospital Kennedy got very upset.  I didn't think about it right away but the last person she knew that went to the hospital never came home.  When you were first in the accident I just told her you were in the hospital and sleeping so you could get better.  She asked about you and Florida all the time.  She wanted to go to "Nana's Florida" to see you.  Then the next thing I had to tell her was that you went to heaven.  She has a hard time with hospital talk now and I'm sure she will for awhile.
I know this is all over the place but as things pop in my head I just write them down.  I guess that's why I started this.
I love you Mum!  More than you will ever know.  I wish like Kennedy that we could take an airplane above the clouds and see you in heaven.  She hopes you can walk and have a nice house in heaven with a roof.  I hope you get the tennis channels!