Mad

I've thought and talked a lot about you and to you today.  I talked to Courtney while I was at Kohl's and she said how she talked to Dad and he was doing laundry.  It makes us both so sad that he'd doing laundry because you always did it.  It's so hard to talk to him and see him.  It breaks my heart to see him all the time without you and to know he's going out with your couple friends alone.
On my ride home tonight from dinner with Beth and Jamie I was thinking that I'm mad.  I know deep down that I shouldn't be put I am pissed!  You will never see my girls grow up, you missed the day I finished my Master's, you are going to miss my graduation, you won't see anymore of Ken's dance recitals and you are just missing everything.  I have no one to complain to on the way home from work.  You always just got it and no one does like you.  You aren't here and I'm so angry that I've lost you.  I at times get mad at you for leaving.  You know how hard it was on you losing your mom so young and now you've left us.  It's not right.  I drive by your grave on the way to work some mornings and I just can't even believe that I'm saying this...my mom's grave.  When people talk about your wake or your funeral I just go into another world.  How could you leave us knowing how hard it was?  I know deep down it wasn't you but at times I can't help but feel the anger.
I used to joke with you that if anything happened to you I'd go in the funny farm.  Sadly enough I feel like I'm pretty freaking close.  I had to be put on medication to deal with things because I can't on my own anymore.  I am always sad.  My face will probably be permanently stained with tears.
To top it off...lately when I think of you all I can picture is you laying in the hospital bed with half your head shaved, a tube in your mouth and drains.  I miss you, your smile, your fake laugh, your GAP gray striped sweaters, GAP jeans and slippers that you always wore, I miss hearing you talk about "the baby", your complaints about dad, hearing you call Ken "my beauty" and talking to you everyday before and after school.
This is probably such a random post but it's late and I needed to vent since Jay is snoring in bed already.