Volleyball

Saturday was Brian's senior day with the volleyball team. They beat one of the best teams in the conference and Brian was so excited. I know you would have been so excited too.  I've never seem him do pumped up.  Kerri and Dad saw the first game and Courtney, Kennedy and I were there for the later game.  They played Anna Maria and completely dominated winning 3 matches in a row.  Before the game they introduced the seniors and the coach gave a speech about each one of the guys. He talked about how Brian tried out for basketball and was excited he didn't make it.  He also said Brian had one more year of eligibility since he didn't play freshmen year and he was working in talking him into coming back.  Dad just shook his head.  After the background and speech they announced who was there to support Brian and I can't help but dwell on the fact that they said "his dad, Doug and sisters Erin, Courtney and Kerri." They should have said his mom, Linda.  You were his biggest supporter and fan and you missed his whole season.  After Brian they called the other seniors Mike and Ross and both of them had moms that were announced.  It was heartbreaking.  We went out to dinner with Mike's  family after the game and I dropped off all the supplies I had bought for Brian's new apartment.  People give me a hard time for doing so much for him but I need to.  I need to take care of him.
I've been having a rough time since then.  I keep thinking about you and how much I need you.  I'm so lost and I feel like everything is crumbling around me.  Another person I cared about and confided in is gone.  I don't know how to fix it.  You know that I can't stand not being able to fix things.  I want everyone to be happy.  I feel like everything is falling apart and no one understands.  People have been telling me I need to see a therapist but I'm not ready.  I don't want to admit to a stranger that I can't handle and manage my life.  I just wish people would stop leaving me and realize I need them.

Stop!

I can't believe it's been 5 months since we heard that you were going to die.  I've had a tough time with it this week.  I've been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of you but I know that will never happen.  I've lost a lot of people in my life lately and it's because of you.  One of my best friends told me I was making bad choices in my life and I wasn't making you proud.  I don't know if you would be proud of the choices I'm making right now.   I'm trying to be the best person I can be but I'm lost and feel like I'm treading water. It's hard to explain how I feel to people that have never lost a parent.  You were my best friend and really my everything.  We were so close and now I feel alone.  Some days I want to run away and just be alone.
I've met some new people that have been really great at keeping me busy and taking me out.  They are a lot of fun and we have been doing crafty projects (you know I love that), going out for each others birthdays and just going out for drinks.  We've become really close and 2 of the girls work at the school so it's nice to have that tie.  It's hard to talk to them about you because they don't know what it's like to have lost a parent.  They do the best they can to understand but it's hard.  I have met another friend that gets it because they lost their dad 7 years ago and they were really close.  I've probably got some of the best advice from them.  But then the other night you came up again.  They told me that you wouldn't want me doing certain things.  I completely lost it.