Rough day

I knew this week wouldn't be easy.  It never is!  Trying to teach and manage 22 5/6 year olds the week before Christmas is a nightmare.  This morning I was supposed to have an EST meeting but I thought it was cancelled.  It wasn't!!  So I missed it then ran into the principal and literacy coach in the hallway.  I told them I couldn't believe meetings would be scheduled the week before Christmas.  The principal was snippy and said her mother in laws school only allows them to do something Christmas related for the last 30 minutes on Friday.  I wasn't complaining because I had Christmas stuff planned!! I was complaining because I teach Kindergarten and the week before Christmas is very important with keeping their schedules routine and if I'm out of the room I can't do that!  Then the topic of curriculum leader came up again.  Jamie and I were finally told that we were sharing the job.  You know I've been trying to get an answer about this since June.  Well last week they tell us and now we have 2 meetings this week and the meeting with Dunning (the assistant superintendent) got cancelled last week.  I about nearly had a breakdown when people were telling me all the "added" duties.  Jamie and I were never told about these so I decided I can't do it.  I have been trying so hard to keep life the way it was before you left but I can't do it anymore.  You aren't here and my life is different! 
I threw myself back into work 110% because I thought I just needed to stay busy but I'm becoming overwhelmed!  I'm not doing anymore than I used to but my heart hurts and being happy and busy all the time is draining!  I cried the whole way home from school today because I wanted to call you and complain about school.  You always understood or would just listen and say the right things.  I talked to Jay but he doesn't get it.  I tried calling Kerri but she didn't answer.  So I ended up calling a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile.  He was super supportive and said all the right things (or at least what I wanted to hear...that the people at school sucked basically).  It was just like what you would have said.  I don't realize at times how much I miss you until I want to call you and complain or tell you the stupid little things that are going on in my life. 
Raegan woke up this morning and instead of calling for me she was calling for Dad.  She kept saying, "Bapa, Hi Bapa, Bapa!"  It was so cute.  I think both her and Ken know how much Dad needs them.  Kennedy asked him to pick her up from school someday and take her to the zoo.  She wants to go to the zoo with him so bad.  Hopefully she loves going to Disney with him.  I know he will. 
I know people keep telling me and all of us that you are here and that you are an angel that is always with us.  Or they say we have so much to remember you by but damn it I don't want to remember you or think of you as an angel!!  I want you back here with me and I want to see Mum flash on my phone with a text or a phone call.  I want you to call me Erron and Bert.  I want to tell you how pissed off I am with the lack of direction at school and how my kids in class are acting like punks.  I want to stare at your gray hairs and you tell me you have an appointment with Katy soon.  Geez...I even miss giving you pedicures.  The last time I painted your toes is when you were in a coma in the hospital.  I wanted to make sure you woke up with them painted.  I never thought that would be the last time.  I miss all the foolish things that we used to do and I miss my best friend. 

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog.  I've been living in complete denial about you being gone.  I don't want to believe it and I want to talk about you as if you are still here.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you or think about you but pretending like you are still here is the easiest thing.  Sometimes I feel bad for not crying but it's just because I've grown numb.  I finished all my Master's school work and met with Laurie, the head of the Early Ed program through Jenmarc on Tuesday.  She gave me a big hug and could tell I had been crying the entire way there.  I'm not ready for good things to happen to me without you there.  I want you to be proud of me and be happy for me that I finished.  I want to hear you say that and I never will.  I didn't even realize until today that I didn't tell dad.  He's not you and I need to tell you.   You would have told him...I'm not used to telling him things yet.  I know I will eventually.
Yesterday was Ken's birthday and it was so hard to not be with you.  I kept it together all day.  We went out to lunch with your friends and they got Kennedy an Elsa doll and outfit.  She was so excited!  At night I took her to see High School Musical at Middleboro High School with Amie and Emily.  It was fun but I couldn't help think about you.  You should have done that with us.
Today was her birthday party at Boomer's.  She had so much fun and loved all the presents.  I found the Dora and Boots thing she wanted from you.   Dad gave it to her because, "Nana is is heaven."  We got her a Sofia bike and she's been riding it around the house all night.  Dad just stopped by with Brian to see Ken because Brian had practice so he missed the party.  Kennedy was playing with all her toys and was crazy and nonstop talking and playing with things.  You know how she gets when she is overtired.
I just recently got in the mail more of the wish lanterns and Kennedy is so excited to send them to you.  Mum, I just need you and I really feel like I am not myself anymore without you.  I put all my energy and time into doing things for other people to make them happy because I'm not.  I just realized I was doing that the other day.  I made people 12 days of Christmas gifts, I go over the top with the things Girlie does and I went crazy with the things for Kennedy's party.  I hope that the people I do it for can be happy and that in turn will help me be happy.  It's not working yet...but maybe it will.  I miss you so much!

It's been 1 month

It's so crazy to think that one month around this time was the last time I saw you in person.  It was around 10:30pm that we were told you were going to die.  I will never for as long I live forget those words that broke my heart and changed my life forever. 
Today started off not much different than any other.  Girlie was hiding in the bathroom sink in a bubble bath out of mini marshmallows.  Kennedy was so excited to find her.  It took her a few minutes while she was brushing her teeth to notice her in the right hand sink. 
I had parent/teacher conferences.  You know that's my least favorite day of the school year.  I don't like talking to parents and for most of them it's just a run down of the kids academics.  The 2 boys that I have behavior issues with the parents didn't want to hear about it.  One of the dads laughed and told me his kid was a hellion!  Um....no kidding!  A lot of the parents told me they were sorry for my loss.  I just said thank you but I wanted to start balling.  I know I saw this in every message but I just miss you.  I drive home from school everyday and I don't have anyone to talk to.  You would listen to me complain about school, the kids, Jay, my girls or basically anything.  I lost my best friend and sometimes I find myself talking to you in my head.  I hope you can hear me.
I didn't get out of school until 7:40pm and then I went to Judy's for the Christmas Klub party.  My secret pal was Stephanie and she gave me some owl school things, a scarf and an owl ornament.  The kids at school with love it.  I reminded Courtney on Sunday about Klub but she forgot.  She says she must have dementia...haha!  Aunt Betty and I were talking about her helping Dad out with office stuff and then she was talking about how Uncle Bob cleaned out all of Aunt Lisa's things.  I said dad wasn't ready for that yet.  I don't want dad to have a shrine for you but I just can't imagine getting rid of your things.  I want to leave it all there in hopes you will come back.  I started crying and Aunt Betty felt bad.  She always feels bad when I cry but I just miss you so much that sometimes all I can do is cry.  I miss my life with you.  I honestly don't know who I am or what I'm doing sometimes without you.  I don't know how I get through my day.  I must just go through the motions.  Some people don't understand when I say that to them but there are days I get to the afternoon and don't even remember the morning. 
It's funny that as I write this it turns 11:11.  Maureen Hancock said something about 11:11.  I always remember 11:11 was time to make a wish.  I used to wish for you to get better and now I wonder what I should wish for.  I know I won't get the one with I want and that's for you to come back.  So sometimes I wish for people I miss to come back in my life, other times I wish to be happy again, and sometimes I can't even think of something I want more than you.  I remember when you were in the hospital and we were all at the camper and it turned 11:11 and Courtney yelled to make a wish.  I knew we all wished for you.  It makes me sad that all our prayers and wishes didn't come true.  We tried really hard.

Thanksgiving, Black Friday and the Christmas Parade

We went to Aunt Betty's for Thanksgiving like usual.  She bought a cute tablecloth for Ken.  You could color, do word searches and mazes.  Kerri and I of course enjoyed coloring and completing the word search. Before dinner Aunt Betty asked us to take a moment of silence for the people we have lost. Mum your name shouldn't have been on that list.  She felt bad for making us tear up but it was nice to acknowledge you even though you weren't there.  After dinner we sat around talking and we were talking about Lisa and then you.  Aunt Betty has said it before but she she said again how she knows you wouldn't have wanted to live if you weren't 100%.  I know you wouldn't have wanted us to take care of you like you probably would've needed but I hope you know I would have done anything to take care of you if it meant having you here.  Ken slept over your house with Kerri after dinner and she asked Dad about the bike tipping over.  Kerri said his face just dropped.  She must have heard a tid bit of a conversation.  She misses you so much.  Raegan has stopped saying your name and it breaks my heart.

On Friday, Kerri and I took Ken to the South Shore plaza.  I was the big spender like usual!  I had Kerri take Ken for a little bit so I could go crazy at the Disney store.  Ken will be a happy girl on Christmas.  I also got my 5 favorite things for my party this year.  I got 5 Vera Bradley lanyards.  The were on sale for $6!  I was so excited! 

That night Ken and I had dinner at Friendly's and then I took her to the Galleria to see Frozen.  She loved going to the "theater".  I wish you had come with us and could have shared her excitement with us.  She loved the music and the ice queen Elsa.  She tells me my favorite is Anna.  I downloaded the songs and we listen to them all the time in the car.

Saturday was the Voch craft fair.  We saw Alyssa and Kendra.  They make really cute burlap door hangings.  Kerri and Court bought one.  I decided I had enough decorations. Crazy! I know.  Kendra and Alyssa both look at us so sad.  They are so close to their mom like we were to you so I think it truly hurts them to see us and know our pain.  I then met up with Jay and Raeg for the Christmas parade.  We met the Bests there, Germaine, Mimi and the Pequitas.  The girls really liked it.  I kept thinking about the picture we took last year.  The one of all of us girls.  We should have been able to take that again.

I called Brian Saturday night about spending more time with Dad.  dad wants to see him and Brian has been making no time for him.  He hung up on me first then only gave me about 2 minutes on the phone.  I know he's probably hurting so much but I feel bad because Dad just wants to spend time with him and see him.  I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep everyone together.  I don't know what my role is.  I'm not there to help Dad as much as Courtney and Kerri are so I just feel so alone and left out.  Some people have been treating me different since you've been gone and I don't know how to fix it.  I want the friends back that I could talk to about stupid things without having to get in too deep.  I don't want people to look at me differently and treat me differently.  I miss you so much but I need some normalcy back.