It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog.  I've been living in complete denial about you being gone.  I don't want to believe it and I want to talk about you as if you are still here.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you or think about you but pretending like you are still here is the easiest thing.  Sometimes I feel bad for not crying but it's just because I've grown numb.  I finished all my Master's school work and met with Laurie, the head of the Early Ed program through Jenmarc on Tuesday.  She gave me a big hug and could tell I had been crying the entire way there.  I'm not ready for good things to happen to me without you there.  I want you to be proud of me and be happy for me that I finished.  I want to hear you say that and I never will.  I didn't even realize until today that I didn't tell dad.  He's not you and I need to tell you.   You would have told him...I'm not used to telling him things yet.  I know I will eventually.
Yesterday was Ken's birthday and it was so hard to not be with you.  I kept it together all day.  We went out to lunch with your friends and they got Kennedy an Elsa doll and outfit.  She was so excited!  At night I took her to see High School Musical at Middleboro High School with Amie and Emily.  It was fun but I couldn't help think about you.  You should have done that with us.
Today was her birthday party at Boomer's.  She had so much fun and loved all the presents.  I found the Dora and Boots thing she wanted from you.   Dad gave it to her because, "Nana is is heaven."  We got her a Sofia bike and she's been riding it around the house all night.  Dad just stopped by with Brian to see Ken because Brian had practice so he missed the party.  Kennedy was playing with all her toys and was crazy and nonstop talking and playing with things.  You know how she gets when she is overtired.
I just recently got in the mail more of the wish lanterns and Kennedy is so excited to send them to you.  Mum, I just need you and I really feel like I am not myself anymore without you.  I put all my energy and time into doing things for other people to make them happy because I'm not.  I just realized I was doing that the other day.  I made people 12 days of Christmas gifts, I go over the top with the things Girlie does and I went crazy with the things for Kennedy's party.  I hope that the people I do it for can be happy and that in turn will help me be happy.  It's not working yet...but maybe it will.  I miss you so much!