Monday - Back to Work

Mum,
Today Courtney, Kerri and I all returned to work.  I was so nervous and woke up to the sound of rain.  It just sounded like a miserable day.  My stomach was in knots while I was getting ready for school.  I was worried about seeing people and having to answer questions from my kids.  Jay and I decided to keep Kennedy at Dick and Germaine's today because I didn't want her being in my classroom like she was a few weeks ago when people came in to check on me and while I got upset.  I cried on the way to school after dropping the girls off.  I was listening to Luke Bryan's "Drink a Beer".  I always cry when I listen to it but I love it...it's so fitting.  I drove by the post office and looked for your car or Janice's but neither were there.  Then I thought she must be sad driving to Kim by herself when that was something you did together.  I drove by your house and thought how I'd never see you there again and how I wouldn't have to stop there tomorrow to drop Raegan off in the morning. 
I pulled into the parking lot at school, took the keys out of the ignition and took a deep breath (they help me hold back the tears).  I walked into my room and was immediately overwhelmed.  Luckily Donna was already there and filled me in on what the kids were up to.  She gave me a hug and welcomed me back.  Everyone stayed away...I was grateful for that.  I feared everyone checking in on me and asking how I was.  I feel like I should say I'm good but honestly I want to say I'm awful!  I replied to everyone's, "How are you?" question with a small smile and an "I'm okay."  When the students came in they were so excited to see me.  I got hugs, a lot of cards and a few presents.  The student's cards were so sweet.  A few said they were sorry to hear about my mommy and they were thinking of our family.  One of the girls and her mom gave me a dove alex and ani bracelet.  You would love it.  It stands for truth, peace and faith.  It was such a sweet gesture and it meant so much to me.  Another one of the students gave me a Hallmark keepsake ornament shaped like a sand dollar.  It's called "Always Remembered" and on the sand dollar it says, "The ones we love never truly leave us."  It has a darm charm on it too.  I love the quote and I do know you will never leave me.  I even got a card from one of the kids in Stephanie's class.  It was nice to know how many people care and thought about us.
On the way home I talked to a friend on the phone.  He told me that God has a plan and that there was a reason he took you from us.  And although it's sad and you aren't here with us that you are happy and whole again.  He said that our bodies are just a place for our souls here on earth but heaven is the place we want to be.  I truly believe deep down that you must have decided to leave us because you would have never been completely whole again.  I hope you know that you would have never been a burden to us and I would have done anything to keep you here with us.  I know your brain must have been severely damaged and you wouldn't have wanted to live any other way besides 100% you.
As I sit here and write this with Kennedy by my side she tells me, "She will be okay, Momma." as she sees a tear fall from my eye.  She's been so strong through all of this.  She comforts me when I am sad.  She will rub my hair or my back and tells me, "we will see her again someday."  I hope you stay with her everyday and continue to give her the strength and comfort she needs in dealing with the loss of you.  She has picture day tomorrow at 10am.  Her first school pictures and I want you to consult with about what outfit for her to wear and what package to buy.  I didn't realize how much I depended on you for everything.  Nope...that's not true...I know I did and so did everyone else. 
I love you!