Rough day

I knew this week wouldn't be easy.  It never is!  Trying to teach and manage 22 5/6 year olds the week before Christmas is a nightmare.  This morning I was supposed to have an EST meeting but I thought it was cancelled.  It wasn't!!  So I missed it then ran into the principal and literacy coach in the hallway.  I told them I couldn't believe meetings would be scheduled the week before Christmas.  The principal was snippy and said her mother in laws school only allows them to do something Christmas related for the last 30 minutes on Friday.  I wasn't complaining because I had Christmas stuff planned!! I was complaining because I teach Kindergarten and the week before Christmas is very important with keeping their schedules routine and if I'm out of the room I can't do that!  Then the topic of curriculum leader came up again.  Jamie and I were finally told that we were sharing the job.  You know I've been trying to get an answer about this since June.  Well last week they tell us and now we have 2 meetings this week and the meeting with Dunning (the assistant superintendent) got cancelled last week.  I about nearly had a breakdown when people were telling me all the "added" duties.  Jamie and I were never told about these so I decided I can't do it.  I have been trying so hard to keep life the way it was before you left but I can't do it anymore.  You aren't here and my life is different! 
I threw myself back into work 110% because I thought I just needed to stay busy but I'm becoming overwhelmed!  I'm not doing anymore than I used to but my heart hurts and being happy and busy all the time is draining!  I cried the whole way home from school today because I wanted to call you and complain about school.  You always understood or would just listen and say the right things.  I talked to Jay but he doesn't get it.  I tried calling Kerri but she didn't answer.  So I ended up calling a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile.  He was super supportive and said all the right things (or at least what I wanted to hear...that the people at school sucked basically).  It was just like what you would have said.  I don't realize at times how much I miss you until I want to call you and complain or tell you the stupid little things that are going on in my life. 
Raegan woke up this morning and instead of calling for me she was calling for Dad.  She kept saying, "Bapa, Hi Bapa, Bapa!"  It was so cute.  I think both her and Ken know how much Dad needs them.  Kennedy asked him to pick her up from school someday and take her to the zoo.  She wants to go to the zoo with him so bad.  Hopefully she loves going to Disney with him.  I know he will. 
I know people keep telling me and all of us that you are here and that you are an angel that is always with us.  Or they say we have so much to remember you by but damn it I don't want to remember you or think of you as an angel!!  I want you back here with me and I want to see Mum flash on my phone with a text or a phone call.  I want you to call me Erron and Bert.  I want to tell you how pissed off I am with the lack of direction at school and how my kids in class are acting like punks.  I want to stare at your gray hairs and you tell me you have an appointment with Katy soon.  Geez...I even miss giving you pedicures.  The last time I painted your toes is when you were in a coma in the hospital.  I wanted to make sure you woke up with them painted.  I never thought that would be the last time.  I miss all the foolish things that we used to do and I miss my best friend. 

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog.  I've been living in complete denial about you being gone.  I don't want to believe it and I want to talk about you as if you are still here.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you or think about you but pretending like you are still here is the easiest thing.  Sometimes I feel bad for not crying but it's just because I've grown numb.  I finished all my Master's school work and met with Laurie, the head of the Early Ed program through Jenmarc on Tuesday.  She gave me a big hug and could tell I had been crying the entire way there.  I'm not ready for good things to happen to me without you there.  I want you to be proud of me and be happy for me that I finished.  I want to hear you say that and I never will.  I didn't even realize until today that I didn't tell dad.  He's not you and I need to tell you.   You would have told him...I'm not used to telling him things yet.  I know I will eventually.
Yesterday was Ken's birthday and it was so hard to not be with you.  I kept it together all day.  We went out to lunch with your friends and they got Kennedy an Elsa doll and outfit.  She was so excited!  At night I took her to see High School Musical at Middleboro High School with Amie and Emily.  It was fun but I couldn't help think about you.  You should have done that with us.
Today was her birthday party at Boomer's.  She had so much fun and loved all the presents.  I found the Dora and Boots thing she wanted from you.   Dad gave it to her because, "Nana is is heaven."  We got her a Sofia bike and she's been riding it around the house all night.  Dad just stopped by with Brian to see Ken because Brian had practice so he missed the party.  Kennedy was playing with all her toys and was crazy and nonstop talking and playing with things.  You know how she gets when she is overtired.
I just recently got in the mail more of the wish lanterns and Kennedy is so excited to send them to you.  Mum, I just need you and I really feel like I am not myself anymore without you.  I put all my energy and time into doing things for other people to make them happy because I'm not.  I just realized I was doing that the other day.  I made people 12 days of Christmas gifts, I go over the top with the things Girlie does and I went crazy with the things for Kennedy's party.  I hope that the people I do it for can be happy and that in turn will help me be happy.  It's not working yet...but maybe it will.  I miss you so much!

It's been 1 month

It's so crazy to think that one month around this time was the last time I saw you in person.  It was around 10:30pm that we were told you were going to die.  I will never for as long I live forget those words that broke my heart and changed my life forever. 
Today started off not much different than any other.  Girlie was hiding in the bathroom sink in a bubble bath out of mini marshmallows.  Kennedy was so excited to find her.  It took her a few minutes while she was brushing her teeth to notice her in the right hand sink. 
I had parent/teacher conferences.  You know that's my least favorite day of the school year.  I don't like talking to parents and for most of them it's just a run down of the kids academics.  The 2 boys that I have behavior issues with the parents didn't want to hear about it.  One of the dads laughed and told me his kid was a hellion!  Um....no kidding!  A lot of the parents told me they were sorry for my loss.  I just said thank you but I wanted to start balling.  I know I saw this in every message but I just miss you.  I drive home from school everyday and I don't have anyone to talk to.  You would listen to me complain about school, the kids, Jay, my girls or basically anything.  I lost my best friend and sometimes I find myself talking to you in my head.  I hope you can hear me.
I didn't get out of school until 7:40pm and then I went to Judy's for the Christmas Klub party.  My secret pal was Stephanie and she gave me some owl school things, a scarf and an owl ornament.  The kids at school with love it.  I reminded Courtney on Sunday about Klub but she forgot.  She says she must have dementia...haha!  Aunt Betty and I were talking about her helping Dad out with office stuff and then she was talking about how Uncle Bob cleaned out all of Aunt Lisa's things.  I said dad wasn't ready for that yet.  I don't want dad to have a shrine for you but I just can't imagine getting rid of your things.  I want to leave it all there in hopes you will come back.  I started crying and Aunt Betty felt bad.  She always feels bad when I cry but I just miss you so much that sometimes all I can do is cry.  I miss my life with you.  I honestly don't know who I am or what I'm doing sometimes without you.  I don't know how I get through my day.  I must just go through the motions.  Some people don't understand when I say that to them but there are days I get to the afternoon and don't even remember the morning. 
It's funny that as I write this it turns 11:11.  Maureen Hancock said something about 11:11.  I always remember 11:11 was time to make a wish.  I used to wish for you to get better and now I wonder what I should wish for.  I know I won't get the one with I want and that's for you to come back.  So sometimes I wish for people I miss to come back in my life, other times I wish to be happy again, and sometimes I can't even think of something I want more than you.  I remember when you were in the hospital and we were all at the camper and it turned 11:11 and Courtney yelled to make a wish.  I knew we all wished for you.  It makes me sad that all our prayers and wishes didn't come true.  We tried really hard.

Thanksgiving, Black Friday and the Christmas Parade

We went to Aunt Betty's for Thanksgiving like usual.  She bought a cute tablecloth for Ken.  You could color, do word searches and mazes.  Kerri and I of course enjoyed coloring and completing the word search. Before dinner Aunt Betty asked us to take a moment of silence for the people we have lost. Mum your name shouldn't have been on that list.  She felt bad for making us tear up but it was nice to acknowledge you even though you weren't there.  After dinner we sat around talking and we were talking about Lisa and then you.  Aunt Betty has said it before but she she said again how she knows you wouldn't have wanted to live if you weren't 100%.  I know you wouldn't have wanted us to take care of you like you probably would've needed but I hope you know I would have done anything to take care of you if it meant having you here.  Ken slept over your house with Kerri after dinner and she asked Dad about the bike tipping over.  Kerri said his face just dropped.  She must have heard a tid bit of a conversation.  She misses you so much.  Raegan has stopped saying your name and it breaks my heart.

On Friday, Kerri and I took Ken to the South Shore plaza.  I was the big spender like usual!  I had Kerri take Ken for a little bit so I could go crazy at the Disney store.  Ken will be a happy girl on Christmas.  I also got my 5 favorite things for my party this year.  I got 5 Vera Bradley lanyards.  The were on sale for $6!  I was so excited! 

That night Ken and I had dinner at Friendly's and then I took her to the Galleria to see Frozen.  She loved going to the "theater".  I wish you had come with us and could have shared her excitement with us.  She loved the music and the ice queen Elsa.  She tells me my favorite is Anna.  I downloaded the songs and we listen to them all the time in the car.

Saturday was the Voch craft fair.  We saw Alyssa and Kendra.  They make really cute burlap door hangings.  Kerri and Court bought one.  I decided I had enough decorations. Crazy! I know.  Kendra and Alyssa both look at us so sad.  They are so close to their mom like we were to you so I think it truly hurts them to see us and know our pain.  I then met up with Jay and Raeg for the Christmas parade.  We met the Bests there, Germaine, Mimi and the Pequitas.  The girls really liked it.  I kept thinking about the picture we took last year.  The one of all of us girls.  We should have been able to take that again.

I called Brian Saturday night about spending more time with Dad.  dad wants to see him and Brian has been making no time for him.  He hung up on me first then only gave me about 2 minutes on the phone.  I know he's probably hurting so much but I feel bad because Dad just wants to spend time with him and see him.  I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep everyone together.  I don't know what my role is.  I'm not there to help Dad as much as Courtney and Kerri are so I just feel so alone and left out.  Some people have been treating me different since you've been gone and I don't know how to fix it.  I want the friends back that I could talk to about stupid things without having to get in too deep.  I don't want people to look at me differently and treat me differently.  I miss you so much but I need some normalcy back.  

Build a Bear

Today I took Kennedy to the Braintree mall to go to Build a Bear.  She first asked to go to heaven to see you but when I told her we couldn't go there she settled for Build a Bear.  Kennedy and I ended up going alone because no one wanted to come with us.  I was sad on the way ere because its something we would have done together.  I know you would have come with us and we would have gone to Joe's for clam chowder in a bread bowl and a Caesar salad.  I shouldn't have to be taking Kennedy places by myself.  You should have come with us!  Kennedy made a pony and a princess bear for Raegan.  She wanted ice cream for lunch so we went to Emack and Bolies.  As we sat down for her to eat her pink ice cream with rainbow sprinkles I felt so lonely.  Even though I had Kennedy with me I wanted you there too.  We went to the Disney store after and she wanted to get a Mrs. Potts and Chip tea party set.  You would love it...it's so cute and I know you love Beauty and the Beast.  I think I'll get it for her for Christmas.  I know you would have picked out a new Disney doll for her since 2 years ago you got her Belle and last year Pocahontas.  The Ariel one is adorable...you would think so too and Dad bought Raegan The Little Mermaid for her birthday (I know you were planning on getting it for Ken for Christmas).
I hate Christmas shopping without you and planning Ken's birthday party without your input.  She wants a Sofia party and we are having it at Boomers in Carver.  I'm nervous to cry when I see the card from dad that just says "love Bapa".  I held it together at Raegan's party but I wanted to run in my room and hide.  I feel like I don't know what to do without you.  Sometimes I just feel lost.
Tomorrow we are going to Aunt Betty's just like we have been.  Aunt Betty got Dad more Chapstick. Thank goodness! We know he can't go without it!  She said she got a table cloth that Kennedy can color on and is bringing out some games to liven us up! Haha....I guess she doesn't want Dad and Uncle Barney falling asleep.  A lot of people came in my room today and gave me a hug and told me they know tomorrow with be hard.  I don't think people get it!  Tomorrow is just like every other day has been for the past month.  We will be without out.  We were together all the time so holidays were not really a big deal (as far as getting together goes).  You are missing the Christmas parade. :( I wish I could say we will get to do all this with you next year but I know last year were the last holidays we will ever spend together.  You should be out with dad tonight and wearing your purple and white North Face with some jeans and a striped Gap shirt complaining about the crappy weather.

I don't think about heaven

I wasn't going to write a note to you today because other than 2 of my boys driving me nuts in school today not much new has happened.  I still think about you all the time and want to call you and text you just like I always did.  Someone told me today they think about me and our family all the time.  She said she feels guilty for still having her mother around who is 89.  I told her not to feel guilty but that I do get a little annoyed when I hear people complain about things their moms do.   I would do anything to have you around to complain about!
I just got done cuddling with Kennedy in bed.  She told me she misses you.  I started crying and told her I miss you too.  She grabbed my head and started patting my back.  She is the strongest and most supportive little girl.  She sits there and holds me while I cry and will only say, "she is okay".  Last night at dinner I told her we could go wherever she wants after school on Wednesday and her response was "heaven".  I wish I could take her there to see you.  We all miss you so much.  I told her tonight that if she sees you in her dreams to tell you that I love you.  She said she will but she doesn't like to think about heaven.  She just likes to think of you alive and then she said she wants to see you alive again.  It's not fair that at 3 years old she has to deal with the loss of you.  She wants to know how God gets so high in the sky.  I told her he is really powerful.  She asked if heaven is in the clouds or higher than the clouds.  I told her it's higher.  She wants to take an airplane to go visit you in heaven because "trucks can't go that high." 
I just got a message from Aunt Sandy that Jeff Conway wrote...

 

 

To My #2 Mom... . November 26, 2013 at 3:44pm
I won't use any names in this but, people who care will know who I'm refering to...
Back in the day I was a complete screwup, I know, you all find that hard to believe but, it's sadly true. I had 2 friends that happened to be husband & wife. I can't remember not knowing her, she grew up right up the street from my cousins house which I used to spend quite a bit of time at. She hung out with some of my older, girl cousins.
Him, he was & is a half assed relative, had the best trucks around, awesome motor machinest & all around great guy. Boy could we drink beer!
Well, they got together & got married. They started their life together as I continued my slow, downward spiral. He & I were co-workers, friends, hustled any type of work we could come up with on the side. I was mechaical but, he fine tuned my mechanical skills. She was always there, not always happy with our beer drinking but, she was always there.
They started a family, 3 girls & 1 boy (finally!). During that time I lived in a room in their cellar because I was such a screwup & I had no where else to go. My own family had given up on me... He & She never gave up on me. I held everyone of their children, played with them, shared meals with that family... After their son was born, I disappeared from their lives. I picked up what little I had & left. They never asked me to leave. I just felt it was the right thing to do. Hell, they had a young family & I was their 20 somthing year old kid!
Fast forward 25 years... when I had a chance to talk with him, we always said that we needed to get together, let our wives meet, have some good eats, blah, blah, blah... We never had the chance to do that. She was tragically,unexpectedly, taken from us a short time ago.
If you have a chance to tell others how much they have truely ment in your life, do not hesitate to do so! I always thought that we'd get together some day. That day will never come now. This is somthing that I WILL regret for the rest of my days...
I'll miss you & love you forever Mom #2. I'll be here for you or yours Dad #2... You know who you are...

 

Mum you meant so much to so many people and we all miss you so much!

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Mum!  I wish more than anything I could be saying this to your face.  I stopped at the cemetery on my way home.  I felt like I needed to.  When I pulled in I noticed that Courtney was already there.  I scared the crap out of her when I tapped on her window.  Dad ended up meeting us there too and we just stood at your grave and cried.  I never imagined that I'd have to go to a cemetery to say Happy Birthday to you.  Dad just hugged Courtney and I.  We finally left because it was freezing!  You would have hated the weather today.  You wouldn't have been able to take the dogs for a walk and you would have had the pellet stove blasting heat. 
We all met up for dinner at Zen in Wareham.  I know it's expensive but that's where Dad wanted to go.  Brian didn't come but we were all there with the girls.  Cayd was screaming and entertaining everyone at the restaurant like usual.  We all came back to my house after and set off paper wish lanterns.  Kennedy asked why we were doing it and I told her so you could get them in heaven.  She wants to make sure you get them and that they don't burn you.  I told her you will blow them out when you get them. 
Mum you should have been able to tell us that you wanted to do anything as long as you didn't have to cook and clean.  We shouldn't have had to send lanterns to heaven.  I still can't make sense of all this and I want you back so much.  On days I'm thinking doing so good I have break downs over silly things.
Last night Kennedy wanted to read, "Cowboy Mikey".  It was mine when I was little and when I saw my name written on the front cover I lost it.  I know you read that book to me and I would give anything to hear you read it again.  My girls shouldn't have to grow up without you.  I hope you are enjoying your birthday with your Mom and Dad but I really wish you were here with us. 
I love you!

Craft Fair

Mom...today was the Mother's Club craft fair at Middleboro High School.  Courtney had text me this week asking about going.  At first I didn't know if I wanted to go without you but I'm trying really hard to keep doing things we enjoyed.  Court and Cayd met us at dance and we went there together.  On the way in Courtney told me Dad had a hard time yesterday.  He went for a drink with John (boyfriend) and when she called him to ask him over for dinner he seemed sad.  When he got to her house he sat in his truck and cried.  He kept saying he didn't want to be alone and he was sorry.  It's so hard to see him like that and know how sad he is.  We all miss you so much and it's so hard.  People ask us all the time how we are doing and sometimes all I say is, "It sucks".  People say they can't imagine what we are going through and I don't think they can if they have never lost their mom. 
But....back to the craft fair.  Kennedy got so much stuff!  They had a ton of bows and headbands like usual.  One of the vendors had an Izzy, Sofia the First, Monster's Inc and Minnie bows.  So of course she was in heaven and had to get all of them.  She also got a Hello Kitty clip, one that is shaped like a puppy, Minnie and a picture of a horse (it was $20 but she was so excited and you weren't there so I just said screw it and bought it for her).  We were in and out of there in like 20 minutes.  Without you talking to everyone that you knew it was a quick trip.  The lady that makes all the wood things we like was there.  Her husband wasn't though!!  Bummer right?!?  Courtney bought something from her but I decided to refrain since I already have so much stuff from her.  It was so strange going without you.  It still doesn't seem like it's reality yet.
I look at your pictures and just long to see you again.  I miss your smile, your fake laugh, and you calling me Erron. 

Yesterday I was too emotionally exhausted to even attempt to write you.  Courtney, Kerri, Dad and I went to meet with a financial consultant and lawyer after school.  I had a hard time looking through your things and seeing your handwriting.  I never thought your terrible handwriting would make me cry but seeing it on the calendar in the kitchen was tough.  I noticed you were supposed to have a dentist appointment tomorrow.  It's foolish things that get to me.
The financial consultant had some great advice for dad.  I was glad we went and spoke with him.  He talked to Kerri and I about an extra retirement plan for us.  We will probably go back and set that up with him later.  When it came time to meet with the lawyer it wasn't as easy.  She asked a lot of questions about the accident so we had to hear dad describe what happened.  I haven't heard him describe it since the day after it happened when we went to Florida.  I had to leave the room.  I can imagine you yelling and knowing that was the last time dad heard your voice hurts my heart.  (Kennedy just came in my room, saw me crying and said "She will be okay Mommy."  She then kissed my nose and cheek and gave me a big hug.  She's such a good girl.)  The lawyer thinks we should look into seeing if there were cameras at the traffic lights at the intersection where the accident happens.  She talked about finding the license plate number of the car that dad swerved from.  Kerri and I don't want to pursue it!  We don't want to relive what happened and pressing charges or making accusations on someone else will not make you come back to us.  I don't know what is going to happen with it next but I'm hoping nothing.
This morning sucked!  Raegan was very whiney and Kennedy didn't want to wake up or get dressed.  I felt like I yelled all morning.  Kennedy cried when I combed her hair, got her dressed and pretty much about everything.  I grabbed my phone to call you to bitch then realized you must already know.  I was in meetings all day and at lunch time I said with Debbie, Jamie and Stephanie.  Debbie lost her mom when she was 32 and told me it doesn't really get easier.  She said she still misses her mom and thinks about her all the time.  She cried and then apologized for it.  I never want anyone to apologize for crying about their mom, their loss or you.  It's sad and it sucks!  I don't know if I will ever go a day without crying.  My whole body hurts sometimes because I miss you so much.  I have to take something to sleep every night because I'm afraid to wake up and start thinking.

Thinking of You a lot Today

Mum,
This morning I dropped Raegan off at Michelle's house and she cried the second we walked in the door.  I felt so bad for her and I just knew she wanted you.  She knows her schedule has changed and she misses her Tuesday and Thursdays with you.  I gave her a kiss and walked out the door as she was crying, calling "Mama" and crawling towards me.  Michelle says she does that every time I leave.  I didn't think she would understand that you were gone but she definitely sense something is off.  Kennedy and I stopped by your house on the way to school.  Dad came running up from the back yard.  He was working on the rig with boyfriend and a couple of the guys from Big Wheels.  It makes me sad to see him at your house without you.  I should have been dropping Raegan off to you and you should have been saying, "Hi my beauty" to Ken and "love to you all" as we walked out the door. 
I composed myself for most of the day until I was cleaning tables and Jocelyn came in to say hi.  I just told her it's not fair that I lost you so young.  Everyone I know still have their mom to turn to.  It was picture day for Kennedy today and I didn't know what package or background color to pick.  You're supposed to help me with that.  Kennedy looked so damn cute.  She was wearing a black puffy dress, black sweater, sparkly shoes and a black headband.  I chose to do a purple background and got the most popular package.  Dad told Ken to make sure we get enough pictures for him to have one.  Kennedy and I also got our picture done together.  Kimberly, the principal told me to go do it since we both were wearing black.
I went back to class tonight for my Masters.  I missed a few classes while I was in Florida with you.  I get so nervous to see people.  I got a little bit anxious before walking in but I was able to present an assignment.  I fought back tears a lot in class.  I was anticipating the ride home.  I always called you on the way home to complain about class or let you know all the stupid things people said.  I miss calling you and I still pick up the phone every time I'm in the car to call you and chat.  I want you back so bad it hurts.

Monday - Back to Work

Mum,
Today Courtney, Kerri and I all returned to work.  I was so nervous and woke up to the sound of rain.  It just sounded like a miserable day.  My stomach was in knots while I was getting ready for school.  I was worried about seeing people and having to answer questions from my kids.  Jay and I decided to keep Kennedy at Dick and Germaine's today because I didn't want her being in my classroom like she was a few weeks ago when people came in to check on me and while I got upset.  I cried on the way to school after dropping the girls off.  I was listening to Luke Bryan's "Drink a Beer".  I always cry when I listen to it but I love it...it's so fitting.  I drove by the post office and looked for your car or Janice's but neither were there.  Then I thought she must be sad driving to Kim by herself when that was something you did together.  I drove by your house and thought how I'd never see you there again and how I wouldn't have to stop there tomorrow to drop Raegan off in the morning. 
I pulled into the parking lot at school, took the keys out of the ignition and took a deep breath (they help me hold back the tears).  I walked into my room and was immediately overwhelmed.  Luckily Donna was already there and filled me in on what the kids were up to.  She gave me a hug and welcomed me back.  Everyone stayed away...I was grateful for that.  I feared everyone checking in on me and asking how I was.  I feel like I should say I'm good but honestly I want to say I'm awful!  I replied to everyone's, "How are you?" question with a small smile and an "I'm okay."  When the students came in they were so excited to see me.  I got hugs, a lot of cards and a few presents.  The student's cards were so sweet.  A few said they were sorry to hear about my mommy and they were thinking of our family.  One of the girls and her mom gave me a dove alex and ani bracelet.  You would love it.  It stands for truth, peace and faith.  It was such a sweet gesture and it meant so much to me.  Another one of the students gave me a Hallmark keepsake ornament shaped like a sand dollar.  It's called "Always Remembered" and on the sand dollar it says, "The ones we love never truly leave us."  It has a darm charm on it too.  I love the quote and I do know you will never leave me.  I even got a card from one of the kids in Stephanie's class.  It was nice to know how many people care and thought about us.
On the way home I talked to a friend on the phone.  He told me that God has a plan and that there was a reason he took you from us.  And although it's sad and you aren't here with us that you are happy and whole again.  He said that our bodies are just a place for our souls here on earth but heaven is the place we want to be.  I truly believe deep down that you must have decided to leave us because you would have never been completely whole again.  I hope you know that you would have never been a burden to us and I would have done anything to keep you here with us.  I know your brain must have been severely damaged and you wouldn't have wanted to live any other way besides 100% you.
As I sit here and write this with Kennedy by my side she tells me, "She will be okay, Momma." as she sees a tear fall from my eye.  She's been so strong through all of this.  She comforts me when I am sad.  She will rub my hair or my back and tells me, "we will see her again someday."  I hope you stay with her everyday and continue to give her the strength and comfort she needs in dealing with the loss of you.  She has picture day tomorrow at 10am.  Her first school pictures and I want you to consult with about what outfit for her to wear and what package to buy.  I didn't realize how much I depended on you for everything.  Nope...that's not true...I know I did and so did everyone else. 
I love you!

Sunday...2 Weeks

Mum,
It has been 2 weeks since Dad came in the camper and told me the hospital called and we needed to go there.  Dad and I walked in and the Dr. came in shortly after that.  He told us you had a rough night and things were turning worse.  You had developed a respitory disorder from a blood tranfusion and your lungs were inflamed and not taking in oxygen like they should.  They had put you at the max 100% on the vent and you were only at 90% according to the machines.  The Dr. said you had a 50/50 chance, like a coin toss he said of making it through this.  I stared at those numbers for the next hour and they kept going down.  I had to make the phone call to Kerri who had spent the night at a hotel with her friends and then I called Courtney.  Courtney, Brian, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Cliff got a flight to Florida right away but wouldn't be there until later.  Kerri came right over.  I left shortly after Kerri got there because I couldn't stand to watch those numbers go lower and lower.  I went to the camper and laid down for awhile.  I checked in on you by texting Kerri and everytime she would tell me the numbers went down more.  I knew that you were going to die that day.  I don't know much about the human body or brain but I know that you had already sustained some brain injuries and without oxygen you couldn't make it.  I went back to the hospital and had lunch with dad in the cafeteria.  We both told each other you were tough and can pull through this but mom I knew you wouldn't.  I left again and sat at the camper waiting for the phone call.  I just couldn't see you like that.  The phone call finally came around 9pm.  Kerri was crying and said John was going to come get me because things were bad.  I called Jay crying and told him this was it.  I got in the car and John put his hand on my knee and just said, "I'm sorry."  I thought you had died.  When I got to the hospital Courtney, Brian, Kerri, Dad, Aunt Nancy, Uncle Cliff, Larry, John and Rebecca were there.  The nurse then came out and said we could go back in.  You had crashed but they had pumped your lungs with oxygen and that broke up some of the congestion in your lungs and your levels went back up.  I left the room shortly after and Aunt Nancy and Larry had gone in there with you.  They came out shortly after when the nurses had told them to leave.  We were then called into the conference room, where dad spent the first night of the accident.  The male nurse told us to sit down.  I sat in between Brian and Kerri and I grabbed both of their legs.  I knew what he was going to say and I have flashbacks about it everyday.  He said, "she is going to die from this, we can continue compressions for 25 more minutes but she is going to die from this."  He then asked to see Courtney and Dad.  They decided to stop the compressions because you wouldn't have recovered after the loss of oxygen.  I never expected in a million years to have to hear those words.  I didn't cry i just sat there between Brian and Kerri and let it sink it.  This is what I knew was coming but I wasn't ready.  I was so numb.  They told us we could go in the room with you.  I stood behind Brian because I couldn't look at you like that.  I watched Dad kiss your hand one more time as he had done every time he went into see you for the past few weeks.  I left the room and sat down in a chair right outside the room.  I kept my composure until I thought of Kennedy.  How could I tell her that Nana had died?  She idolized you and loved you so much.  A piece of me died that Sunday night along with you.  You were my whole life for 29 years.  I talked to you when I was happy, sad, angry, and pretty much everything else everyday.  I should be calling you to help me get through this sadness but I can't.  My heart hurts and I miss you so much.  I hope I'll wake up each day and realize this has been a bad dream.  This is probably one of the hardest letters I'll write because of the details of your last day but I needed to get it out and you were always such a listener.

4 Weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since I got the phone call that my parents had been in a motorcycle accident.  I remember hearing Jay say, "shit" when he looked at his phone.  I rolled over and looked at my phone and saw many missed calls from my dad and sister Courtney.  When I finally spoke to my dad he was crying and said him and mom had been in an accident.  I remember falling to my knees in my bedroom and crying that I couldn't lose my mom.  Courtney booked plane tickets and the four of us flew to Daytona to be with my mom and dad.  We all cried all day.  When we got to the hospital we walked into the trauma ward, went to the desk and when we turned to our left we saw her.  Mom was laying in a room, with tubes in her mouth, coming from her head, her arms and it seemed like everywhere.  I felt sick.  We then found my dad.  He was staying in the conference room next to my mom.  His jeans were ripped, he had dried blood all over his face and in his hair and a black eye.  When we walked in he started crying...we all started crying.  This was the beginning of our nightmare.